Caught Me Off Guard

In our meeting with the surgeon, I had many, many questions. I had my notebook ready so I could read down the list and take notes as we spoke. I was able to ask how long she thought the surgeries would take, how many surgeries our daughter might need, possible recovery times, etc. I was able to talk professionally about all of this, but then I came to one of my questions, and while trying to say it, I was hit with a flood of emotion that caught me off guard. The question was 'will she be able to be held?' I guess I did not realize how much the answer to this question mattered to me until I was asking the person who could answer it. Thank God the answer is yes, but I was having difficulty getting my composure back afterwards. Because after hearing 'yes, your baby can be held' I looked at my sister, Tammy, and my fiancé, Joe, and knew that they would be the ones holding her... Not me. I will be in the delivering hospital for 3-5 days after she is born. I won't be able to be with her at children's hospital where she is getting transferred to right after delivery. I won't be the one to hold her, even though she can be held. So even though I got the answer I wanted, I then couldn't get my mind off of the time frame that question is referring to: after she's born, when she's going in and out of surgery. That time when I'll be losing my mind because I can't be with her when I feel she needs me most.
I know Joe will be taking care of our daughter, and I know he'll be keeping me informed, so I know that she'll feel loved and that Daddy will be there to make sure she's alright. I know that my sister will be by my side helping me get through those very difficult days, it's just a time that is very hard to think about. While we really didn't learn any new information from the surgeon and representatives of the spina bifida clinic, we did get to tour the NICU and learn a little bit about how the process will go. It's just hard to imagine that we'll practically be living there in only a couple of weeks... that this is all creeping up so fast, and that the time that's so hard to think about now is just around the corner. These are the times where I thank God I'm not doing this alone. I'm so grateful that Joe, the father of my children, is the man that he is. I'm grateful that my sister, Tammy, is also my best friend. I'm grateful that my father and other family members will be taking such good care of our children, Dustin and Aryanna, while Mira is recovering so Joe and I can be there for her. I'm just very grateful I'm not in this alone and that Mira is coming into the amazing family that we have.
I'm still very hopeful, driven, and anxious, but I'm also scared. Her delivery date is coming up so fast, and the fear I have for her is difficult to ignore. I'm scared for my daughter, and I simply can't help it. I'm scared for the pain she will go through, I'm scared that she will be scared because she doesn't understand what's happening, I'm scared that she'll feel neglected because her Mommy won't be there to hold her and nurse her and bond with her right after she's separated from my body. I'm also scared for Dustin and Aryanna... I'm scared that they won't understand why Mommy and Daddy are gone, I'm scared that they'll think they're being replaced, and I'm scared that they won't understand why Mira needs so much attention and time. But again, I'm thankful I'm not doing this alone because Joe is able to combat my fears with all the right words.
Joe works a high labor job with long hours, so he got a microphone/headphone set so him and I can talk while he's at work. Knowing that he's always a phone call away helps. If I find out something new, I'm able to call and explain things to him. And when I'm scared, I'm able to call and he makes me feel better. Even when he's at work, which is a lot, I'm still able to feel how much him and I are in all of this together and that we'll get through it together, one step at a time. So even though I'm scared and I was caught off guard by how much it hurts to know that I won't be there with her, I'm still so thankful I'm not doing this alone, and that Mira will have the same amazing loved ones that I'm leaning on right now. And thank God they're not going anywhere because I'm sure I'll be getting caught off guard quite a bit from here on out.