Unexpected Contractions

On Friday the 1st of March, I went and had my weekly NST done, but I went to a different hospital to save myself from making an unnecessary trip to Pittsburgh. As I stated previously, an NST usually takes about a half an hour. However, they kept me hooked up to the monitors for an hour and a half because, unbeknownst to me, I was having very regular contractions. At 32 weeks, this is not good! The nurse was very concerned, but I honestly didn't even know I was having them. She allowed me to leave if I agreed to be on bed rest and to get to my OBs in Pittsburgh if my next NST is still revealing contractions. She also instructed that I have no caffeine (which I really haven't been drinking anyways) and that I need to be drinking water constantly with my feet up. I agreed to her conditions, and she let me go.
Joe laid down the law and made me be good all weekend. He was very helpful and attentive and allowed me to get the rest my body was telling me I apparently needed. I did feel really guilty, though. I have begun the "nesting" stage of my pregnancy. Before I went to the hospital on Friday for my NST, I was doing just that; nesting. I started cleaning and couldn't stop. I was cleaning all through the night into the morning before the NST. I went through every shred of laundry Joe and I own that morning, filling bags with clothes to donate to others, throwing garbage bags full of stuff away, lifting baskets and bins full of laundry, and just generally doing a lot of physical labor I probably shouldn't have been doing. Now I don't know if this caused the contractions, and I certainly wasn't trying to be irresponsibly harmful, but after finding out I was having regular contractions, I think that might be what I accidentally did. If I'm still having contractions this week, I could be out on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. I definitely do not want that to happen because I have two children outside of the womb that depend on me!
Since I really don't want to be put on bed rest, I'm going to have to redo how I'm living my life. I'm going to have to reign in my nesting urges and only do small amounts at a time. I'll have to have a glass of water on me at all times. I'll have to let my children be more independent so that Mommy isn't running back and forth for the both of them at all times. I have to learn to do all this right now, because I have to keep little Mira tucked away safely for at least another month! The thought of her coming any earlier than 37 weeks is absolutely terrifying! I feel like I just want to keep her safe in my belly forever. I want to keep her tucked away from the surgeries and the struggles, and just keep her safe in the womb where I know she is okay. But despite wanting to protect her from everything, I just can't. I can't protect my child from this, which is also a struggle my father is experiencing. My father told me he hurts because he can't protect me, his child, from facing this struggle, just as I can't protect Mira, my child, from facing this struggle. As much as I want to shield her, I can't, and it is for the best. She has to face this, and overcome it, and be allowed to live her life, just as any other child. It hurts, knowing I can't stop it or change it, but I can pray for her, and I can be here for her, and Joe and I can provide Mira, Dustin, and Aryanna with the best lives possible! That's what I need to focus on when I get angry about this.
Because sometimes I do, I get angry about this. I get angry that a baby, my baby, will face more trauma in her first month of life than any adult I personally know has faced in their entire lives. I get angry because (even though this is the most worn out phrase in all of history) it's not fair. It just not fair. It's not fair for a baby to be in pain. It's not fair for her to have to undergo these struggles when she doesn't know anything about anything yet. It's not fair for her to know pain before she knows love. It's not fair. But, the anger fades, it comes and goes, but I hope that we can love her enough that the pain will be over-ridden. I hope that while I carry her, she feels how much I love her and knows that before anything negative can touch her. I hope that while she's confined to an incubator, she'll know that Daddy is right beside her, on the other side of that plastic or glass, loving her with his entire self. So, we will pray, hope, and believe and I'll use that to overcome the anger and sadness and worry that creeps in sometimes.