It hurt my heart to set her cathing station back up. I got so used to just having a changing table... Diapers, wet wipes, and diaper cream. The only items I've ever needed on a changing table before having Mira, and it hurt to put the catheters back, the containers to separate clean and dirty caths, the lubricant, the paper towels to use as a lubricant surface, the bright light that attaches at the end so I can see what I'm doing to her, the urine collecting cups, the germ-x everywhere to be as clean as possible, and also her medicine and syringes. It hurt to give her medicine for the first time... The medicine is the reason why we have to cath again, but the medicine is what also will keep her bladder and sphincter from attacking each other... I love and hate that medicine. I love that it helps her bladder to relax so her organ isn't freaking out 24/7, I love that it has the potential to teach her body to regulate itself; but I hate that it's a medicine that means she'll possibly always have to be cathed, I hate that it's a medicine that we're supposed to assume she'll be taking for life... because it makes me wonder if there will be more, more medications that she'll have to be on indefinitely. I hate having to add more things to the list that she'll just have to get used to. I hate that these types of complications often lead to surgeries, and surgical plans spread out over the course of several years. So yes, I spent yesterday wallowing.
However; after my day of wallowing, I feel refreshed. I feel purpose. I once again have conviction in my actions. I'm now very excited to meet with Mike tomorrow, our in-home physical therapist, to see if he has recommendations for ways to help with her hip dysplasia. I've printed out another log to keep track of Mira's output amount when we cath. I'm fine tuning a new schedule to stay on top of her medicine three times a day and cathing four times a day, along with eating roughly every three hours, and making sure we're implementing her stretches and massages at regular periods throughout the day.
So I spent yesterday feeling sorry for my baby girl, sorry for the things that she'll have to get used to, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling sorry for myself. But that's just it, she'll get used to it, this will all become normal for us both. And in the mean time, today is a new day, there are things I can be doing to make this easier on the both of us, and I'm damn well going to try!
