I think Joe and I got everything done that I wanted to have done before we leave for the hospital. We rearranged the house to make things more functional for bringing a newborn home to. We deep cleaned many areas of the house where Mira will be at a lot. Our bedroom is baby set-up and friendly. And our bags are packed!
It was really hard letting Dustin and Aryanna go with Joe's Mom today, though. That made everything very real for me, and it was emotional not knowing exactly when I'm going to see all of my children again. They drive me crazy when they're home, but I did not want to let them leave today! I miss them so much already! I said "I love you" to them probably a hundred times before they left, and Joe's Mom was crying a little bit too as she hugged Joe and I goodbye. I didn't cry until after they left... then I sat on my porch wishing they were still home, but also trying to tell myself that maybe we can arrange a family member to bring them down to visit within this next week. I'll be so happy when all three of my children can be together, right in front of me! It will be the most beautiful sight I've ever seen, I'm certain!
I'm holding off the emotions right now by focusing on all the things that need done. I'm excited for sure, but also a bit nervous, and driven, and all kinds of things! Joe and I have to be at the hospital in almost exactly 12 hours from now, so I am going to get some sleep now! I'll be sure to update my blog as much as possible! The moment of truth is on it's way, so thank you to everyone for the prayers, good lucks, and birthday wishes! I love you all, and I'll update as much as I can!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
Trying To Prepare Myself
I'm working on telling loved ones why I don't want a bunch of people there while we're delivering Mira. I don't mind if they show up later to go see Joe and Mira at children's hospital, and I'm sure Joe wouldn't mind a little bit of support and company over there. However, the delivery process will go something like this: They will allow Joe in the operating room while we deliver Mira by c-section. As soon as she's born, I'll get a glimpse of her, and then Joe and Mira will be taken up to the NICU to wrap her back and stabilize her to get her ready for transportation over to children's hospital. They'll call children's hospital to come and get her while my surgery is being finished, and then I'll be taken to recovery. I may or may not get to see her again before she leaves, and I'll have wait in recovery by myself. My sister, Tammy, will be reunited with me once they take me to my room. Throughout that time I'll be trying to pump as much as possible and I'll be coping with the struggle of having to let my newborn baby go because it's what is best for her. I'm quite certain that I'll be a devastated wreck, and not really up for entertaining guests. I won't have it in me to put a fake smile on my face, so I think it's probably best that I'm not getting flooded with visitors that day. I'm very grateful that I have loved ones who would want to come see me, I just think it would be best to limit the encounters during such a difficult and emotional time.
I am happy that some of Joe's family members will be going to children's hospital with him and Mira. I'll have Tammy for support, so I'm glad that Joe will have support there for him, too! And the more people supporting Mira, no matter where they're located, the better! The time where I have to let her go has been the part I've been intentionally avoiding in my head for a while now. But now, I need to let myself prepare for it so I can be ready to do what needs done. And boy, oh boy, there is a lot that needs done, and just about a week to do it.
Not just the emotional and mental preparation, but all the tasks. We've been told to estimate a month long stay; could be longer, could be shorter. So for now, I need to get Dustin and Aryanna packed and ready to stay at family members' homes for a months time. I need to pack for Joe and I to stay at the hospitals for a month. I need to have the house ready for Mira's arrival at home before we leave, as well. We need to assemble her crib and baby furniture. We need to have all of her clothes washed and ready. We need to have our bedroom set up to accommodate a newborn again. We need to make sure the house is as clean as possible so we're bringing her home to the most sterile environment we can while she's healing. There is certainly A LOT to do! I still can't believe all of this is right around the corner! I can't believe all of this preparation and research and learning I've been doing for months is all about to be for a reason! I mostly just can't wait to meet her!
I hate that I'm going to have to let her go, but I can't wait to see her, even if it's only for a few seconds before she leaves. I just can't wait to hear her cry, and see her breathing, and look at the contours of her face, and the wrinkles on her toes, and see how much hair she has (even though they have to shave it off for her surgery), how long her fingers are, and does she really have Dustin's nose and Aryanna's lips like it looks in her sonogram photos?!?! I just can't wait for that part! I'll have to tell Joe to take lots of pictures before they shave her head.
I'm not trying to market products to anyone, but this is where having iPhones and iPads come in handy. I'll get to FaceTime with Joe while we're separated so I can watch Mira every possible second! I'll also get to FaceTime with Dustin and Aryanna while we are away. I'm going to miss them so much! Oh how technology can make things just a little easier! We will definitely need to remember to bring our chargers! And back up chargers for our back ups! Technology only helps if you don't have a dead battery.
So even if I only get to see her in person for moments, at least I'll get to watch her and talk to her through our devices. She'll be able to hear my voice until I can go be with her, and I'll get to watch her as if she's right in front of me! I can't even think about any of this without crying, it's going to be the most emotional time of my life in so many different ways! But I can't wait!
I am happy that some of Joe's family members will be going to children's hospital with him and Mira. I'll have Tammy for support, so I'm glad that Joe will have support there for him, too! And the more people supporting Mira, no matter where they're located, the better! The time where I have to let her go has been the part I've been intentionally avoiding in my head for a while now. But now, I need to let myself prepare for it so I can be ready to do what needs done. And boy, oh boy, there is a lot that needs done, and just about a week to do it.
Not just the emotional and mental preparation, but all the tasks. We've been told to estimate a month long stay; could be longer, could be shorter. So for now, I need to get Dustin and Aryanna packed and ready to stay at family members' homes for a months time. I need to pack for Joe and I to stay at the hospitals for a month. I need to have the house ready for Mira's arrival at home before we leave, as well. We need to assemble her crib and baby furniture. We need to have all of her clothes washed and ready. We need to have our bedroom set up to accommodate a newborn again. We need to make sure the house is as clean as possible so we're bringing her home to the most sterile environment we can while she's healing. There is certainly A LOT to do! I still can't believe all of this is right around the corner! I can't believe all of this preparation and research and learning I've been doing for months is all about to be for a reason! I mostly just can't wait to meet her!
I hate that I'm going to have to let her go, but I can't wait to see her, even if it's only for a few seconds before she leaves. I just can't wait to hear her cry, and see her breathing, and look at the contours of her face, and the wrinkles on her toes, and see how much hair she has (even though they have to shave it off for her surgery), how long her fingers are, and does she really have Dustin's nose and Aryanna's lips like it looks in her sonogram photos?!?! I just can't wait for that part! I'll have to tell Joe to take lots of pictures before they shave her head.
I'm not trying to market products to anyone, but this is where having iPhones and iPads come in handy. I'll get to FaceTime with Joe while we're separated so I can watch Mira every possible second! I'll also get to FaceTime with Dustin and Aryanna while we are away. I'm going to miss them so much! Oh how technology can make things just a little easier! We will definitely need to remember to bring our chargers! And back up chargers for our back ups! Technology only helps if you don't have a dead battery.
So even if I only get to see her in person for moments, at least I'll get to watch her and talk to her through our devices. She'll be able to hear my voice until I can go be with her, and I'll get to watch her as if she's right in front of me! I can't even think about any of this without crying, it's going to be the most emotional time of my life in so many different ways! But I can't wait!
Friday, April 5, 2013
Latest OB Appointment/Baby Registry
I have informed you all that Mira will be born on April 17th. I will actually be about 38 1/2 weeks along at this point instead of the originally planned 37 weeks. In our most recent OB appointment, the OB's, my sister, and myself decided that since Mira is being born in a completely normal window of time, the amniocentesis is no longer necessary. The date of her delivery had to be pushed back because of insurance time frames and scheduling conflicts between my OB's and Mira's surgeons. Now that we will be carrying her longer, the odds of her lungs not being fully developed is less than 2%. With over 98% odds that her lungs will be just fine, I am perfectly okay with avoiding the potential risks that something could go wrong during the amniocentesis. The less trauma that is inflicted on her, the better; so I am more than happy to avoid this now. She will be facing enough already after she is born... no need to make her face anything else before she even comes out of her personal bubble!
To do something fun after the OB appointment, Tammy and I went to the nearest Babies 'R' Us and created a registry! This is the first time I actually went to a store, and used that nifty little gun to create a baby registry for one of my children. We had so much fun looking at all the cute little outfits and picking out things that would be beneficial to have for her! Some of the items are things we definitely need/want and intend on getting, and some of the items are things that were just for fun that would be nice to have, but definitely are not necessary. This is our registry, if anyone is interested in taking a look: Babies"R"Us - Baby Registry.
One of the purchases that Joe and I agreed we will definitely be making is a video baby monitor when the time comes for her to sleep in her own room. We are already assembling her nursery set in our room, but we would feel more comfortable to actually be able to see her once she is no longer within our immediate sight. We have already been informed by her surgeon that we will constantly be keeping an eye out for different sets of neurological symptoms due to her hydrocephalus, chiari malformation, and shunt. Each of these brings on different types of neurological symptoms if something is wrong, so having a constant visual of her will definitely give me some peace of mind.
With all of the planning, and how much fun I had doing her registry, I am getting so excited about her arrival! I am still very upset about being separated from her, and I am dreading the moment that I have to let her leave my side and go to a different hospital and go into surgery; but I am excited about the AFTER part. The part where I get to hold her, and bring her home, and introduce her to her big brother and sister! I can't wait to see all of my children together in our home, with my family intact and together! It will be so hard to be separated from my children for so long, but I am trying to focus on the after. After her surgeries are over, after my children can come home from various family members homes', after Joe and I can bring Mira home and she'll feel like OUR baby, not the hospital's, after the emotional roller coasters! After all of that is over, when things become "normal"... I just can't wait. Who knew that perfectly "normal" could be such an exciting thing!
To do something fun after the OB appointment, Tammy and I went to the nearest Babies 'R' Us and created a registry! This is the first time I actually went to a store, and used that nifty little gun to create a baby registry for one of my children. We had so much fun looking at all the cute little outfits and picking out things that would be beneficial to have for her! Some of the items are things we definitely need/want and intend on getting, and some of the items are things that were just for fun that would be nice to have, but definitely are not necessary. This is our registry, if anyone is interested in taking a look: Babies"R"Us - Baby Registry.
One of the purchases that Joe and I agreed we will definitely be making is a video baby monitor when the time comes for her to sleep in her own room. We are already assembling her nursery set in our room, but we would feel more comfortable to actually be able to see her once she is no longer within our immediate sight. We have already been informed by her surgeon that we will constantly be keeping an eye out for different sets of neurological symptoms due to her hydrocephalus, chiari malformation, and shunt. Each of these brings on different types of neurological symptoms if something is wrong, so having a constant visual of her will definitely give me some peace of mind.
With all of the planning, and how much fun I had doing her registry, I am getting so excited about her arrival! I am still very upset about being separated from her, and I am dreading the moment that I have to let her leave my side and go to a different hospital and go into surgery; but I am excited about the AFTER part. The part where I get to hold her, and bring her home, and introduce her to her big brother and sister! I can't wait to see all of my children together in our home, with my family intact and together! It will be so hard to be separated from my children for so long, but I am trying to focus on the after. After her surgeries are over, after my children can come home from various family members homes', after Joe and I can bring Mira home and she'll feel like OUR baby, not the hospital's, after the emotional roller coasters! After all of that is over, when things become "normal"... I just can't wait. Who knew that perfectly "normal" could be such an exciting thing!
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Bob & Katie
Tammy, my sister, is married to a state trooper named Tim. One of the other troopers in Tim's barracks had a baby with spina bifida a month ago. Tim gave me his number so we could chat and talk about each others' experiences thus far. His name is Bob and we talked on the phone for a while, where we decided that Joe and I would come to Bob's house for lunch.
Bob's wife's name is Katie, and their one month old is named Lila. Meeting with them at their home was an incredible and invaluable experience. It turns out Bob, Katie, and Lila all had the same doctors at the same facilities Joe and I will have. So what Joe and I will be facing in a couple of weeks, they just faced a month ago. We learned so much from them! They were so informative, helpful, and caring! They showed us pictures of Lila hooked up to all the tubes and monitors so we could prepare ourselves for the really scary parts. They explained what was particularly difficult, what wasn't that bad, and what was amazing. We got to see Lila in person, where her incisions were and how everything looks when they're healing. We got to see how Bob and Katie handle her safely... How to hold her, lay her down, feed her.
But the most valuable thing we learned from them is that, yes, she has spina bifida, but she's still just another baby. After the scary stuff is over, you still take her home, you still hold her, you still feed her, change her diaper, sing her lullabies, tickle her feet, kiss her nose! We learned that she's just another baby, just like any other baby, and that spina bifida is only a very small part of the big picture... that there's so much more to focus on... that even with her conditions, life will turn into something normal again even though it feels like our lives are about to be turned upside down and inside out.
Joe and I agreed that while we are in the hospitals, we will actively make sure we remember our visit to Bob and Katie's home, and that things will be normal soon. We'll remember little Lila, and that there will be life outside of the hospitals and the surgeries and frightening experiences we'll be in the middle of. We'll remember that, like beautiful Lila, Mira will have our home to be in, and her own bed to sleep in, and a whole life waiting for her outside of the initial shock of her surgeries... That just like any other baby, there is so much more waiting! So thank you, Bob and Katie, for letting us see the light at the end of the tunnel first hand, for letting us experience what no amount of research can give, and for showing us what no doctor would ever be able to explain!
Bob's wife's name is Katie, and their one month old is named Lila. Meeting with them at their home was an incredible and invaluable experience. It turns out Bob, Katie, and Lila all had the same doctors at the same facilities Joe and I will have. So what Joe and I will be facing in a couple of weeks, they just faced a month ago. We learned so much from them! They were so informative, helpful, and caring! They showed us pictures of Lila hooked up to all the tubes and monitors so we could prepare ourselves for the really scary parts. They explained what was particularly difficult, what wasn't that bad, and what was amazing. We got to see Lila in person, where her incisions were and how everything looks when they're healing. We got to see how Bob and Katie handle her safely... How to hold her, lay her down, feed her.
But the most valuable thing we learned from them is that, yes, she has spina bifida, but she's still just another baby. After the scary stuff is over, you still take her home, you still hold her, you still feed her, change her diaper, sing her lullabies, tickle her feet, kiss her nose! We learned that she's just another baby, just like any other baby, and that spina bifida is only a very small part of the big picture... that there's so much more to focus on... that even with her conditions, life will turn into something normal again even though it feels like our lives are about to be turned upside down and inside out.
Joe and I agreed that while we are in the hospitals, we will actively make sure we remember our visit to Bob and Katie's home, and that things will be normal soon. We'll remember little Lila, and that there will be life outside of the hospitals and the surgeries and frightening experiences we'll be in the middle of. We'll remember that, like beautiful Lila, Mira will have our home to be in, and her own bed to sleep in, and a whole life waiting for her outside of the initial shock of her surgeries... That just like any other baby, there is so much more waiting! So thank you, Bob and Katie, for letting us see the light at the end of the tunnel first hand, for letting us experience what no amount of research can give, and for showing us what no doctor would ever be able to explain!
Birthday Blessing
My appointment this week with the high risk OB's went well. Tammy and I took a tour of the maternity ward and were walked through how the c-section will go. We had many questions answered... One of those is when we will be delivering. The answer is miraculous! We will be having Mira on April 17th at 1 o'clock in the afternoon. April 17th is my birthday, a day I will now share with my beautiful little miracle for the rest of our lives!
This will undoubtedly be the most emotional birthday of my life. The most amazing gift I will ever get on my birthday will be my child. I can't imagine a better present. But I also have to prepare myself because, while I will be receiving this wonderful gift, I will also be facing having her taken from me immediately to go get her surgery while I wait through, what I'm sure will be, the most difficult time in my life. The time when my daughter's life is placed in the hands of a surgical team while I wait in a completely different hospital for news from Joe.
I'm trying to prepare myself for the impossible to understand emotional roller coaster that will occur that day. The unexplainable love and bliss one feels when seeing their baby for the first time, that moment when you thought you'd loved before, but are proven so wrong when you see that little life you made from scratch, the most beautiful sight I've ever seen is when I saw my children for the first time... You can actually feel your heart grow bigger to try to contain all the love you possess. It's amazing and I can't wait to feel that again for my new little miracle. But now I'm trying to prepare myself for something I haven't felt before when having a baby... the feeling of having them taken, separated from you, to go to a completely different location, away from me, to have surgery that will dictate the rest of her life. I can't imagine how that will feel and I hurt already for those that have ever experienced what I'm about to face. I can't imagine waiting... Just waiting because that's all you can do, for news of my daughters outcome from surgery. I'm sure it will almost kill me. But then, another roller coaster of emotion hits, because I also can't imagine how happy I'll be when Joe calls me to say our daughter is out of surgery and everything went great! The relief and happiness I'll be flooded with when I get a post-op picture, and get to see that she's okay! ---Wow... I just truly can't imagine all the feelings I will experience on my birthday this year. So I will prepare as best I can, and once again, thank God that I'm not doing this alone. Joe and Tammy will be there every step of the way for Mira and myself while we both experience the most important birthdays of our lives!
This will undoubtedly be the most emotional birthday of my life. The most amazing gift I will ever get on my birthday will be my child. I can't imagine a better present. But I also have to prepare myself because, while I will be receiving this wonderful gift, I will also be facing having her taken from me immediately to go get her surgery while I wait through, what I'm sure will be, the most difficult time in my life. The time when my daughter's life is placed in the hands of a surgical team while I wait in a completely different hospital for news from Joe.
I'm trying to prepare myself for the impossible to understand emotional roller coaster that will occur that day. The unexplainable love and bliss one feels when seeing their baby for the first time, that moment when you thought you'd loved before, but are proven so wrong when you see that little life you made from scratch, the most beautiful sight I've ever seen is when I saw my children for the first time... You can actually feel your heart grow bigger to try to contain all the love you possess. It's amazing and I can't wait to feel that again for my new little miracle. But now I'm trying to prepare myself for something I haven't felt before when having a baby... the feeling of having them taken, separated from you, to go to a completely different location, away from me, to have surgery that will dictate the rest of her life. I can't imagine how that will feel and I hurt already for those that have ever experienced what I'm about to face. I can't imagine waiting... Just waiting because that's all you can do, for news of my daughters outcome from surgery. I'm sure it will almost kill me. But then, another roller coaster of emotion hits, because I also can't imagine how happy I'll be when Joe calls me to say our daughter is out of surgery and everything went great! The relief and happiness I'll be flooded with when I get a post-op picture, and get to see that she's okay! ---Wow... I just truly can't imagine all the feelings I will experience on my birthday this year. So I will prepare as best I can, and once again, thank God that I'm not doing this alone. Joe and Tammy will be there every step of the way for Mira and myself while we both experience the most important birthdays of our lives!
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